The Art of Money Laundering in the Public School System and Other Sundry Items

So in my world, where public schools still cost about three grand a year when you add up all the cash you have to fork out for spaghetti dinners, school tee-shirts, camping trips, class pictures, field trips, and general funds just to have a frickin aid in your kid's class or God forbid music every other full moon, all you can do is grin and bear it and sing the mantra, “It's less than private school. It's less than private school.” Well here's deal people, this week is pledge week at Ye Ol Elementary Publico, and I, like every other mom wrote a gut wrenching check for 300 big ones and I'm telling you right now, my kid better be effing fluent in Spanish by June. You see, I want some kind of guarantee that my fund-raising generosity is paying off, cuz I can tell you right now, that Sadie Carter is getting a full dose of the ol Espanol from Dora and her cousin Diego and it aint costing me squat.

In other news, I'm having super duper mommy makeover over the next few months and I am soooooooo excited!!! And, I promise to be an excellent blog wench and chronicle each perfectly placed plastic surgery stitch here for my adoring fans. Now in a town where you can have yourself a fake rack and still feel wholesome about eating all organic, its a no brainer why I, the High Maverick M.I.L.F. would want to enter the holiday season with a nice little face lift and here's my rational: Jenny, my BFF lives on fried chicken and chocolate and still looks admirably anorexic, whereas I, her evil twin has to steam kale just to maintain. Life is just soooo not fair people!!!So yes, I'm having a face lift and eye lid lift on November 13th and I can not wait; its going to be amazing!

My next hot mamma procedure will be the ever popular and highly coveted tummy tuck on March 30th and I'm kind of more excited about it than when I was 16 and finally passed my driver's test after failing it the first time. Now people always ask if I'm scared about going under the knife and my answer is always the same: I don't care if I come out with a dead belly button and missing a foot my friends; that's how much I love me some surgery. I do!! I love everything about it! I love the time alone, the anticipation of the anesthesia, the tight leggings they bind your cold little feet in to keep the circulation going so you don't get a blood clot and die! I love it all! I've had two c-sections and I'm I'm telling you right now, that if I didn't have my tubes already tied, I would consider having another kid just to get back the O.R.